Through the Lying Eyes of Pornography/Part one:
As humans we all seek and desire approval. We develop the discerning skill of perceived approval or rejection at an early age. This assessment technique is often determined through a person’s “look”. When our world persistently gives us “the look” of rejection then we seek it in the fantasy world of pornography and sexual sin. This often begins with the first look one takes into the approving eyes of pornographic images. When we are vulnerable and in need of acceptance we fail to see through the lying eyes of pornography. For the next 2 weeks you will be hearing the very blunt story of a man who was trapped in this world of lies and how God redeemed and restored him back into the reality of His Love and acceptance.
David Jones, Executive Director
I remember the feeling as if it were yesterday. I had it! My first porn mag! I was a freshman in high school and felt as if I had the answer in my hands. No longer would I wonder what a naked woman looked like. I’d finally know how this whole sex thing really works. I’d get to see pictures of it. I could hardly wait to get home. I was at an advantage. Nobody would be home for hours. I had all the time I thought I’d need to leer over every detail of every picture. I had an academic sense of what to do but is masturbation really just that simple? I open the magazine. Here goes nothing. The euphoria from the release overtakes me. I’m hooked. I walk into school the next day thinking I’ve arrived as a man. Little did I know I wouldn’t figure out what true manhood is until my 30’s. I spend the next few years of high school chasing that high. Off to college I go. The Internet is coming into it’s own and I had an email account that is absolutely bombarded with pornographic image after pornographic image. Still nothing beats that first high. I didn’t know it at the time but I was an addict. I struggled through many relationships in my early adulthood. Rejection after rejection made my escape to pornography a habit. I didn’t have to wonder what those women thought. Their eyes were always approving. Never rejecting. I feared rejection so much I often, very painfully, broke off relationships so I could say I wasn’t the one to get dumped. I would find a girl who inexplicably falls for me. I, in turn, fall for her. We marry after 2 and half years of dating and engagement. She never really asked about my past and I was determined to do better. Besides, I had a wife now. No need for porn. I was going to get sex whenever I wanted it! RIGHT?! Boy, was I wrong. Not only was sex infrequent she didn’t ever seem to enjoy it. Immediately I start to withdraw. I needed approval. I needed to know I was desirable. The looks on her face told a different story. Here I was as vulnerable as I could be and she didn’t even like it. I went back to porn. They never looked at me that way. But something changed. I didn’t get the thrill I used to looking at porn. Now I needed a personal connection. I started texting a female co-worker less than a year into my marriage. It snowballed into nasty vulgar things that shouldn’t be said period let alone from a so-called “Christian Married Man”. CAUGHT!! What was I going to do? I begged. I cried. I pleaded. I promised to never do that again. She believed me. I was happy. But I never dealt with the idol in my life. 3 kids, a receding hairline, and many extra pounds later I somehow managed to survive. My daily use of porn returned with a vengeance. Sometimes I looked at porn 2 or 3 times a day. There was still no connection though. I thought if I consumed enough I would find what I was looking for. Truth is I was eating from the wrong plate. I continued to drive a wedge between my wife and I with my sin. I kept justifying it though. Sometimes creating a fight just to be able to halfway enjoy the porn. She caught me again texting yet another girl. What do I do? I go into damage control. Testing the waters I try to figure out what she knew. She stuffed it down for 6 months. I thought it was over and went back to looking at porn. Whew! That was close. Then she brings it back up. I’m pissed!!! “That’s in the past!!” “I can’t change it!” “You just need to move on!” Secretly I wondered if she knew. Then seemingly out of the blue she drops the “D” word. She asks for a divorce. I’m devastated. What do I do? What will people think of me? What about my kids? What will they think of me? (End of Part 1)
If you or a loved one finds yourself struggling with the dishonest world of sexual sin, then give us a call. We would be glad to work through the journey of healing with you. You can find out more about our services at www.restorationpath.org