As the new Director for Restoration Path, I wanted to take a few moments of your time to introduce myself. I would love to have an opportunity to talk with each and every one of you and would be glad to answer any questions you have about me.
The wife of a sexual addict is often the most misunderstood victim that exists in the church today. Her world is filled with a sense of absolute betrayal. She feels betrayed by the man she committed her life to and often feels betrayed by God. Her world is one of varied emotions. They range from total despair to rage in a matter of moments. Her world is often consumed by guilt, shame and embarrassment. She often blames herself for not seeing “the warning signs” of her husband’s secret sin. Most often she feels alone in her struggle and afraid to share her plight because of how others may respond or how it will affect her children and the family’s reputation in the church.
Everyone’s relationship with their sexual sin is unique and different. In the case of the sex addict he will develop unique lies and distortions that will protect this secret relationship. This protection occurs because of 2 primary reasons. He likes his sexual sin and he lacks the ability to deal with the reality of his sin. He likes his sexual sin because it feels good and it meets some core needs. When a sexual addict sees an attractive person and that person smiles at him, his first thought is “that person wants to have sex with me.” With this thought and look, the addict’s brain releases chemicals that make him feel good. Each time he takes that intoxicating look, his relationship with his sexual sin is reinforced. Something that feels this good must be protected. At the same time, the addict is subtly addressing the core need of being wanted. Most sexual addicts carry around core need deficiencies. The longer he carries these deficiencies, the more desperate he will become to fill this void. In a lot of cases the addict is not aware of these voids because he never had them met to begin with. Let’s go back to the original thought. “That attractive person wants to have sex with me.” Each time the addict takes in this message he is attempting to fill the need of being wanted. Originally, this need was non-sexual but became sexualized through the constant input of sexual thoughts and images. Because these thoughts address some very important needs, he must protect his sexual sin.
Our sinful nature tells us that it is all about me and serving my own self interest. This nature promotes our desire to be god without any boundaries or limits upon my behavior. This approach feeds the attitude of “Hey, it’s my body; I can do with it what I want.” In turn the world system consistently feeds us the message that it is more important how we appear on the outside rather than how we are doing on the inside. This culture and mindset encourages and reinforces an “image management” system.